Why Can’t I Understand “Jaws”?

It could just be my total cinema illiteracy, but it’s worth noting that there are viewers (American viewers, no less) for whom this film does nothing at all. It’s very well shot and relatively satisfying to look at, but otherwise… not very entertaining, amusing, or frightening. Then again, I’ve spent very little of my life in proximity to the sea and even less swimming in it, and it seems as though literally everyone on Earth adores this movie? An excerpt from one of its most well-received reviews on Letterbox by user SilentDawn:

The film hits you with unmistakable bravado, class, mastery of craft, and beauty. Comedy, terror, suspense, humor, and character all combine into a film that isn’t just a film. Rather its something equivalent to a cinematic milestone, where the collective audience is experiencing something different and game-changing. Jaws is beyond description, and the depths of both artistry and entertainment that it reaches is unparalleled in movie history.

And when I thought I’d finally found a critical review, the whole thing was a gag?

Did you guys seriously think I’d give something like this one star!? Let alone this negative of a review!? Get real guys! Hahahahah!

And then there’s the quotes the reviewers themselves choose to pull from the film. Nicholas Imperatori’s begins with

“That’s a twenty-footer.”
“Twenty-five.”

I mean… What? I kept scrubbing back and watching this snippet of dialogue a few times to figure out why it was chosen, but they are just words? Numbers? Mr. Imperatori also chose to cite this shot, which is cool, I guess.

I did not go to film school, so I’ve continued to rewatch Jaws every few years to see if I could possibly absorb some form of the democratic experience through my thick, culturally-daft skull. If I had enough money, I’d buy a bowl of adderall and pay top dollar for a film degree-wielding Jaws lover — or perhaps even a whole panel of them — to explain to me… to go beyond “beyond description,” if you will — why this film should matter. The overwhelmingly positive reception of the film feels like an elaborate joke on me, personally? Is there something wrong with me? Is my life at risk because I publicly expressed this opinion?